Why ask "why"?

This is not going to be a deep post but it's been awhile since I've written, so I thought I should. I had a super long post about my date with the Marine, Dwight that is, but that post is still on hold. Another story for another day.

Anyhow. Have you ever gone through times of questionings, endless analysis and afterwards you may feel better or you may not and the cycle starts over again. Well where do we start and where do we end?

All in all, I know that God is in control and things will work out the way they are suppose to but way too many times, I imagine how those things will work out- kind of like going ahead of Him and figuring it out, like someone who can't wait for surprises and just wants to know what gift their loved on has for them.

Example: When I was a teenager, our youth pastor or youth pastors would say things like, "God has that ONE person for you." When you say blank statements like that you create fear, especially when you are talking to teens who are trying to figure out life and wonder what it holds for them and what God would have them to do with their life, etc.

So on that note, I thought, "Oh my gosh, what if I miss the opportunity of meeting that guy? How will I know if he's "the one"? On top of that when I got to be in my early 20's, I went through this phase of buying dating books like, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris, "Boy Meets Girl" by the same author (I liked both books), "Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth ElliotT (which made my teeth grit sometimes) and other books by several authors. I was told by some "friends" that my standards were too high and I just needed to give so and so "a chance". I was told that if I would just focus on God and what He had for me [to do] then "Wow!" it would happen. Well, I read the books, I went out with so and so and so and so. I gave so and so a chance. I surrendered my desire to God, I grabbed it back, I gave Him a time table, I acted out of my rebellion by dating guys I had no business dating, I repented, grateful and amazed at His forgiveness. Sometimes, I'm at a good place mentally when it comes to this part of my life and most other times I'm not and wonder where the balance is.

Sometimes I have seen God as being impatient with me, rolling His eyes and being like, "Really April just trust me, stop thinking about this" etc. Other times, I've rolled eyes at myself (I guess try looking in the mirror). I've tried to be okay about my singleness and I think I am. But I have my more than one moment, especially when another person I know is engaged or having a baby. One of my goals before I turned 30 (the age that I thought I would have it all together), was that if I was still single, I had hoped that I wouldn't be a pitiful 30 year old; I wouldn't pine over a man or of being single. Oh the pride...My thoughts when I've seen other single women were like, "I hope I'm not like that when I get older and I'm still single, I hope I'm not restless but settled okay with just being with myself if I don't get married." And on it goes.

And this blog posting could get all very long with my thoughts, some that probably should be left in my journal. So with that, I ask not for some magical wand to be twirled over my head and everything would be "okay" or that God would make my wanderings (or wonderings) go away but my hope is that I would grow more into the woman He made to be and be the woman He saved me to be.

I have to keep on reminding myself or being reminded that I am Beloved.